Monday, June 2, 2008
How will YOU being today?
A friend of mine wrote a post about the “End of Days”…initially it made me sad…it's premise was thought provoking in and of itself… but being the introspective soul that I am…I asked myself…”self, what are you waiting for?” The post made me think of the opportunities that I’ve squandered, overlooked, or didn’t pursue in my life. I have personal and professional life goals and specific plans of action to achieve those goals…but somewhere along the way, I got sidetracked, setback, distracted by a shiny object, whatever you want to call it… My dear friend’s post led me to evaluate my life…it’s circumstance…it’s joy…it’s triumph…and it’s apathy…I am not content in my current life state…and have fallen victim to the inactivity that the fatigue of survival often brings…and when I attempt to ameliorate my discontent, I feel like a 500 pound person at the gym…I just don’t know where to start…SO…the cycle continues…NOT TODAY!!!
I got so buried in bills and bullshit that I loosened my mind’s grip on my life plans in order to hold on to my sanity! I have only been off the path that I laid out for myself by 6 months or so…but that is MORE than enough for me…I have seen those that speak on dreams deferred, drowned in a sea of “maintaining”…I won’t do it! I won’t show that existence to my legacy! I refuse!! I am frustrated and drained by my efforts to break even…the inactivity of my co-parent…the absence of support for my mental/emotional health…the exasperation at my awkward unwillingness to submit myself to another soul on the necessary level to facilitate the growth of something deep enough to provide a relevant, consistent male role model for my little prince…sometimes I feel like I am “groping at smoke for my mind, or the readily dissolving remnants of it” (Jill Scott)…I exhale…regroup…look in the mirror…wipe my frustration's tears and smile…because I know RAIN MAKES RAINBOWS!
When I am gone from this world, I want people to say things about me and my existent that will bring peace and comfort to my son as he mourns my loss…I want him to know that his mom died as she lived... a positive spirit that followed her dreams…achieved her goals…supported the aspirations of her son…genuinely treated people the way she wanted to be treated…learned from her mistakes and was a good, soul-filled, loving woman…I live today, so that my son can be comforted by the honest memory of his mother when my days are done…the good, the bad, and the ugly!
“Every now and then you have to ask yourself, do you really want to win…or just look good losing?” ~ Little Brother!
I being today, looking for a more fulfilling job, investigating the certifications, classes, degrees etc necessary to accomplish my professional life desire a Human Sexuality Professor (Sexologist) and effective Social Activist…How will YOU begin today?